Birds are dying. Well, we think they are dying and we think the Vikings clean-up crew is up working too early in the morning for us to collect the evidence. It’s a bird cleanup conspiracy…. It ranks up there with the top conspiracy theories of our time. Neither JFK nor the Moon Landing can talk over the “Great Dead Bird Conspiracy” of US Bank Stadium.
Luckily, we have the Star Tribune around to cover such important stories so we can get such important quotes from people like Ann Laughlin, who “belongs to a coalition of bird conservation groups that have advocated for bird-safe glass for several years”.
US Bank Stadium received a “Platinum” LEED rating recently, for environmental friendliness and being very “Woke” “Green” with their massive new building. Platinum is the highest rating that LEED gives out for buildings like the Purple Palace. But, such a soul-less rating was the last straw for Ann and bird protectors around the Twin Cities (via the Star Tribune):
The release, which noted the building already had received a gold LEED award for environmentally friendly design, touted the stadium’s recycling, the amount of waste diverted from landfills, donated food and renewable energy credits.
But no mention was made of birds. Former legislator Phyllis Kahn, who sponsored a bill for bird-safe buildings, said she found the platinum LEED rating for the stadium incredible.
“My biggest objection was that an environmental rating wouldn’t look at the effect on birds,” she [Ann] said.
To make Ann and other bird protectors sleep better at night, the Vikings have partnered with some of her great organizations to spend $300,000 on a study that is supposed to give us a better idea of how many birds are actually dying by US Bank Stadium Accidental Kamikaze (USBSAK) and Ann is hopeful…. but if the results aren’t what she imagines heaven being like, then her frustration will continue. I mean, there could be a much larger conspiracy behind this whole thing…
Laughlin is among a small group of conservationists who rarely miss a monthly meeting of the MSFA. She said there’s little doubt the study will find dead birds. In their own preliminary study in the fall of 2016, she said, her group found lots of dead birds outside the stadium in the early morning hours before cleaning crews arrived: hummingbirds, warblers and sparrows.
“We’re working on the assumption that there’s been a lot of dead birds and it’s a problem,” she [Ann] said.
“It’s just aggravating because we’ll now be in the fall migration and birds will begin smashing into it,” Laughlin said, referring to the stadium. “That’s not very green.”
Those sly Wilfs, man…. sending out cleaning crews at the crack-ass of dawn to make sure nobody catches onto the bird genocide taking place downtown. Who we once thought were bright lights of shining ownership, in what has often been a dark void of cheap renters here in Minnesota… are actually nothing more than conspiring mass bird murderers.
And to think that we helped fund their weapon of mass birdstruction…. make sure you go to confession this week Vikings fans.
Eric Strack | Minnesota Sports Fan
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